My Confusion Era.

 

This evening while I was praying, something interesting happened.

Not the quiet, silent kind of prayer though...That kind of prayer where you just pause and start whispering to God like he's standing in front of you!

I was standing in the middle of the room, talking out loud to myself...

And in the middle of that, I suddenly said something that surprised even me.

“I’m sure I don’t want to die young… but I’m really not prepared for whatever the future has in store.”

The words just came out like that.

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that sentence explains exactly where I am in life right now.

Confused.

I keep calling this part of my life my confusion era.

There are so many things I’m unsure about right now.

So many decisions that feel bigger than I expected them to be.

Sometimes I pray and simply say,

“God, I really hope I figure it out.”

Not perfectly.

Not all at once.

But at least enough to move forward without feeling completely lost.

I think about the future a lot.

Not in a scary way, but in a quiet way.

I just want to be comfortable one day.

Not necessarily rich or famous.

Just comfortable.

Living a life that makes sense.

A life with fewer regrets.

Sometimes I feel like I should talk to an adult about these things.

Most times, that adult would be my mom.

But deep down, I already know what she’ll say.

She’ll listen patiently, give advice, and then she’ll say something like:

“My dear, I can’t decide for you.”

And honestly… that part is the hardest.

Because sometimes I wish someone would just tell me exactly what to do.

Which path to follow.

Which decision will lead to the best outcome.

But life doesn’t work that way.

At the end of the day, I’m the one who has to choose.

And sometimes I wonder…

Does wanting someone to decide for you make you babyish?

Maybe a little.

But maybe it also just means you’re human.

Maybe it means you’re standing at that strange point in life where you’re old enough to make decisions… but still wishing someone would guide your hand.

And maybe that’s okay too.

For now, I’m still in my confusion era.

Still praying.

Still thinking.

Still hoping that one day, all these scattered thoughts will come together and start making sense.

And when that day comes, I hope I’ll look back at this moment and smile.

Because even in the confusion, I was still trying.