The Fear Behind My Generosity

 

Yesterday, I had a small battle inside my heart.

Someone needed money. Not casually.... Desperately.

And I had it… but at the same time, I didn’t.

Because I was broke too.

I kept staring at my account balance 😭, calculating and recalculating. If I give this out, what happens to me? What if I need it tomorrow? What if I regret it?

Then a quiet thought came to my mind.

“The Bible says giving makes you happy.”

Another thought followed:

Maybe the money will find its way back to me someday. What goes around comes around… right?

I hesitated....But I gave it anyway.

The next day, something unexpected happened.

The money came back to me....Not randomly....Not weeks later.

The next day.

And not just the same amount...six times what I gave out.

I just sat there like… wow!

It really came back.

Now, I won’t turn this into a “give and you’ll get rich tomorrow” story. That’s not the point. The point is what shifted inside me.

I wouldn’t say I’m as generous as my parents. I watch them sometimes and wonder how they do it so freely. They give without drama. Without long calculations. Without fear.

I want to be like that. But I’m still learning.

When I was younger, I found it very easy to share. I would give my things, my money, my time. But if I’m being honest, 95% of the time I ended up regretting it.

Sometimes it was at my own expense.

Sometimes I felt used.

Sometimes I felt unappreciated.

And slowly, I started holding back.

Now I’m asking myself.... what changed?

Maybe back then, I didn’t understand what giving actually meant. Maybe I was giving with the wrong mindset. Maybe I was expecting appreciation, loyalty, or something in return...

The Bible says to help if it is within your power to do so.

Maybe that’s the balance. Giving should not destroy you. But it also shouldn’t be controlled by fear.

Growing up and observing my parents has taught me something important: don’t always expect a “thank you.” Don’t give with the mindset of “what will I get back?” Because sometimes you won’t get anything back.

And that has to be okay.

But recently, as I try to give little by little again, I’ve noticed something. There’s a quiet happiness that comes with helping someone in need. A peace. A light feeling.

Maybe giving is not about the money coming back.

Maybe it’s about allowing yourself to be used for good.

Maybe sometimes God just wants to use you to help someone else.

And when I think about my life, I can clearly see people I would call“God-sent.” My friends. My parents. People who showed up exactly when I needed them.

Maybe someone else is praying for help too.

And maybe, just maybe, I can be that help sometimes.

I’m still figuring it out.

Still learning to give.

Still unlearning fear.

But I think this time, I want to give differently.

Not out of pressure, or guilt, or expectation.

But out of understanding.

And maybe that’s what growing up really is....🥹